Wow, I got a lot of emails this weekend. And I didn't really have time to check 'em until this morning. And you know what? I'm really proud of you for not checking any of them. You rule!
Wait, maybe you did read some and then mark the emails as unread. Did you do that?! What if I had been in my account and caught you!!! You're bad.
Hey, did you notice that a lot of my spam has been skipping the filter and landing into my main inbox? Is that you? Are you fucking with me? Please don't! Stop reading my fucking emails.
Hate your ass.