Thursday, June 25, 2009

Daily Letter To The People Reading My Email, June 25th, 2009

Another letter to my (maybe non-existent) cyber stalkers!
Hey dude;

I gotta roll in a sec. I'm actually expecting a pretty important email
later today. So do me a favor... DON'T READ MY FUCKING EMAIL ANYMORE!!

Seriously, though... if it comes, let me know. But respect that
boundary between us. You know, the one where we pretend that I don't
know that you read my emails? So like, send over a sign... like, have
me send myself an email on accident as if my blackberry is emailing
itself. That'd be cool. But make sure to copy and paste the Sprint
BBerry sig if you do that. Otherwise, I will know.


Lukas Kaiser

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Daily Letter To The People Reading My Email, June 23rd, 2009

More letters to the dude (or dudes (or chick (or chicks!))) who may or may not be reading my email:

Wow, so Jon and Kate are getting divorced? Oh... hey there, as well.

Nothing really fresh in my email today, huh? Lotta band spam. You're not too interested in that stuff. You're less into music than into, say, reading other people's emails. That's more your "bag." If someone was to paint your portrait, the painting would be you, with your back to the viewer, looking at my emails. Right? RIGHT?!!!!!

It was a keylogger, wasn't it! You had one installed at that Frogurt/Internet Cafe place where I checked my email, once, like three years ago. Wow, you really soldier on. I would've given up already. I mean, doing something, day in, day out, that is entirely fruitless. It bares no fruit. Absolutely nothing. (War, huh! Good God Yall! heh... wait you don't listen to music, never mind)

So, what do you think about this Perez Hilton vs. thing?!

FUCK YOU. Stop reading my email.

I miss you.

Love Lukas Kaiser

Monday, June 22, 2009

Reality Show Pitch #1

Show Title: "Boys In Dresses"
Alternate Titles: "Boy Plus Dress," "He's A Doll," "Keeping Up With Boys In Dresses"

Show Description: Boys will be boys... unless they be girls! Welcome to the zany world of "Boys In Dresses," coming to Bravo this fall (we hope!!!)

The show will be a docudrama style reality show following three separate groups of boys who love wearing dresses. I've already got one group assembled, right here on Long Island (my sons!!) and it shouldn't be too hard to assemble the other two groups, especially if I troll the Willful Parents Of Crossdressers message boards.

The producers of the show (me and my brother, Tim) will choose various fun activities that the boys in dresses can do for each episode.

Sample Episodes Could Include:

•Boys in dresses... go bowling!
•Boys in dresses... go on dates with friends and their moms!
•Boys in dresses... go to Texas!! LOL
•Boys in dresses... read mommy the newspaper while she shaves her legs
•Girls In Pants?!

Key Demographic: Have you ever come home after a bitter night of drinking alone to find your son asleep in your bed, wearing one of your outfits? Have you ever made that same son go to school the next day in the same dress? Then you're our key demo. Also, if you're not freaked out at the sight of parents forcing their sons to wear dresses, we'd love ta have ya' watch as well!

In Conclusion: This is a great show.

Thanks for your time!

Barbara Englehart aka Lukas Kaiser

If you want to buy the show, you can call me at 555-333-8000!!

Daily Letter To The People Reading My Email, June 22nd, 2009


Wow, I got a lot of emails this weekend. And I didn't really have time to check 'em until this morning. And you know what? I'm really proud of you for not checking any of them. You rule!

Wait, maybe you did read some and then mark the emails as unread. Did you do that?! What if I had been in my account and caught you!!! You're bad.

Hey, did you notice that a lot of my spam has been skipping the filter and landing into my main inbox? Is that you? Are you fucking with me? Please don't! Stop reading my fucking emails.

Hate your ass.

Love, Lukas

Thursday, June 18, 2009

Daily Letter To The People Reading My Email, June 18th, 2009

Another letter to the guy (or girl, or guys or girls or guy/girl combination) who may or may not be reading my emails.

Hey you!

Still here? That's good!

So, as you already know, today wasn't a big day in email for me. Thursdays generally aren't that big for incoming email in general and today was a total call-in-sick day, even for spammers and mailing list people, it seems. But you've clocked in, to read my email. I know, it's days like today that make you ask yourself "Why do I even bother? Why am I reading this guy's email?" It's probably been a couple years since I've last received a jackpot email... one of those Laugh Out Loud, wow this guy is a loser emails. But you've always got your hope (for more emails) and your memories.

Wow, it's raining really hard right now. I wonder if you're close enough to me that it's raining where you are too. Maybe you're right across the street. Maybe you're right across the room... VERA, don't read my emails! Okay, Vera said she's not. Vera's my girlfriend, btw. But again, you know that.

Oh, did you see that email that just came in? That's actually a pretty good deal on men's pants. Or is it man's pants? Man pants? Don't answer that. Like I said, don't respond. Let's respect each other's boundaries.

If we ever run into each other in person and like we have to interact, like if I came into the Red Mango that you work at and order some yogurt, will you drop like subtle hints that you'er the guy reading my emails? Like, "That'll be $5.93. Nice pants, by the way... get a good deal on them?" That'd be cool. I hope that it goes over my head while I'm there and that I somehow don't remember your what you look like and then, like maybe a couple months later, when I'm wearing the same pants to a party at a bar on St. Mark's and someone spills a drink on my pants and I go "and those were nice pants, man! I got a good deal on them..." that I'll suddenly flash back to seeing you at the Red Mango and be like, ah fuck that's the dude reading my email! And I'll be mad I can't remember what you look like, but not really that mad. Because I don't want to know.

It's weird that you and I have this bond. But we do. Not by choice... at least on my part. It's because you're a fucking creep who won't stop reading my emails. Please stop (don't stop)

LoVe LuKaS!
June 18th, 2009

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Alternadads Will Beget Republicans

I think there's every indication that the Republican Party is going to have to retire for a little while, in a little while. President Obama is so smooth he can make catching flies look cool and Sarah Palin will not go away. Which means the repubes will have to go away, to regroup, go underground into Cheney's bunker (not the vice presidential one but the one he had built in the middle of the sea, off of specs based on Hitler's own bunker).

But the repubes will not die. And, I predict, they'll be the leading party in about 15 to 25 years. "Hey, Lukas, where'd you come up with that number?" you might be asking me. Stop interrupting me. We've already talked about your interruption problem. "I'm sorry." What did I say?

I came up with 15 to 25 years because that's how long it will take for the spawn of Alternadads to grow up. For those unfortunate few who don't know what an alternadad is, I'll defer to Random House's description of the book Alternadad by author (and alternadad) Neal Pollack:

"A few years ago, Neal Pollack was probably the least likely father you’ve ever met: a pop-culture-obsessed writer and self-styled party guy known mostly for outrageous literary antics. In typical fashion, he responded to the birth of his son by forming a mediocre rock band and taking it on tour. Now, in Alternadad, he tells the hilarious and poignant story of how he learned to be a father to his son, Elijah, after the failure of his short-lived rock ’n’ roll dreams."

Basically, an alternadad is a dude who refuses to stop rockin' and rollin' and being a hipster and alternative even when he has a kid. There are, of course, alternamoms too. But alternamom doesn't roll off the tongue like alternadad does, so I'm going to use alternadad as a short hand for both.

Now, don't get me wrong here. "I won't." Thanks... you fucker.

I'm not criticizing the existence of alternadads. I'd rather hang out with a set of parents who bring their 2-year-old along with them to the Animal Collective show than I would hang out with a set of parents who bring me along to see Dora The Explorer live. Because I'm selfish and I'd like to see Animal Collective more than I would like to see a person inside a foam outfit freak me out for two hours. Insert Flaming Lips joke here.

I'll admit that I'd prefer to not hang around little kids at all, but sometimes they're fun. So I'm not going to get all Gawker-esque and force myself to spit up enough bile to criticize a subset of parents who somehow have found a way to enjoy their kids and their own lives at the same time. That would be like writing a bad review of a wheelchair basketball match based on the sole criticism that things never quite got vertical enough. "That's true, though." Shut up!

So, no, I have nothing intrinsically against alternadads. But I would like them to stop being alterna. Right now. Because if they don't, in 15 to 25 years, the children of alternadads are going to join the ranks of the Republicans and the repubes are going to have a strong-ass majority for a couple decades, and I don't want to glide out my remaining years in a shit hole.

Why do I think the spawn of alternadads are going to become Republicans? Because I watched a lot of Family Ties growing up. That's why.

And Alex P. Keaton, the father of all campus Republican Reagan revolutionaries, was the son of two hippies. Alex, brilliantly played by Michael J. Fox (okay, decently played by), was as Republican as characters on TV came. Okay, at least I think he was. I don't actually remember him doing anything specifically Republican other than wear a suit and I can't be bothered to look that up right now.

Either way, his meat and potato Republican views (which may or may not actually exist) were a reaction to the yogurt and granola liberalism of his parents. Because when you shove something down your child's throat, he will spit it back up, right in your face. Unless he's asleep. We won't get into how I know that.

And the Obama-supporting, indie rock-listening alternadads who refuse to keep office hours or dress up EVER, mannnn are well on track to turning their kids into suit and tie wearing investment bankers (if there are investment banks still around in 15 to 25 years, that is). Sure, a chunk of the spawn will just become liberal sheep ready to do the bidding of their alternadad's every whim. And that's fine. There is an objective right and wrong that exists and liberals tend to be closer to the objective right. Pun (or whatever) not intended.

But, look, there's always going to be a faction of dumb asses who will vote for fringe shit like total gun freedoms and school segregation, and they're not going away. They're just gonna sit back and twiddle their dicks while they away the liberal-hating spawn of alternadads, ready to vote for some shit that makes no sense because they're neck deep into their rebellious phase. And that's gonna suck. There will be a Republican majority again.

So, alternadads? Shave your beard, put on a suit and listen to Passion Pit on your iPod, not through your son's baby monitors. Then we will be cool.

Loooove Lukas Kaiser
June 17th, 2009

Daily Letter To The People Reading My Email, June 17th, 2009

There might be someone reading my emails. And then again, there might not be. You never know, right? So I decided to write up a daily letter to the person (or persons) who may or may not be reading my shit.

June 17th, 2009

Dear Asshole;


You can say hello back. Like, out loud, in the room, wherever you are.
Please don't reply via email. Or use my email. Or find me and scare me
in person.

So you're reading my email, huh? That's crazy! I thought my password
was really hard to figure out. But what do I know?! Feel free to have
a nice belly laugh here.

I know, I know... I'm being presumptuous that you even figured out my
password. In all likelihood you didn't figure it out--you used a key
logger or hacked Gmail or maybe it was that time I fell for that email
worm. Or maybe you work for Google and you're abusing your power.
Don't answer that--that'd spoil the mystery.

I actually enjoy the fact you're here. Makes me feel less lonely when
I trudge through my inbox every day. When I send off those "risky"
emails that actually ASK someone for something, a bit of that
insecurity that floods my head is flushed away because I know you're
there, your watchful eye keeping me safe. Maybe?

What's your favorite email exchange I've ever had? Don't answer that
one out loud. Just let it stew in your head, like it always has been.

Anyways, I have to roll... I'm seeing a show tonight (Kevin Smith at
Carnagie Hall, but you know that already! You're so smart) and I have
quite a bit of work I have to do. It'd be nice if, for once, you
actually contributed around here. You know, did some blogging for me,
did some writing, whatever.

No, no, don't send me an email asking what you can do for me. I was
just kidding (sort of). I like our relationship. Like any good
platonic friendship, it's defined by boundaries. You are the stalkER.
I am the stalkEE.

So take care!

And expect an update tomorrow!