Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Alternadads Will Beget Republicans

I think there's every indication that the Republican Party is going to have to retire for a little while, in a little while. President Obama is so smooth he can make catching flies look cool and Sarah Palin will not go away. Which means the repubes will have to go away, to regroup, go underground into Cheney's bunker (not the vice presidential one but the one he had built in the middle of the sea, off of specs based on Hitler's own bunker).

But the repubes will not die. And, I predict, they'll be the leading party in about 15 to 25 years. "Hey, Lukas, where'd you come up with that number?" you might be asking me. Stop interrupting me. We've already talked about your interruption problem. "I'm sorry." What did I say?

I came up with 15 to 25 years because that's how long it will take for the spawn of Alternadads to grow up. For those unfortunate few who don't know what an alternadad is, I'll defer to Random House's description of the book Alternadad by author (and alternadad) Neal Pollack:

"A few years ago, Neal Pollack was probably the least likely father you’ve ever met: a pop-culture-obsessed writer and self-styled party guy known mostly for outrageous literary antics. In typical fashion, he responded to the birth of his son by forming a mediocre rock band and taking it on tour. Now, in Alternadad, he tells the hilarious and poignant story of how he learned to be a father to his son, Elijah, after the failure of his short-lived rock ’n’ roll dreams."

Basically, an alternadad is a dude who refuses to stop rockin' and rollin' and being a hipster and alternative even when he has a kid. There are, of course, alternamoms too. But alternamom doesn't roll off the tongue like alternadad does, so I'm going to use alternadad as a short hand for both.

Now, don't get me wrong here. "I won't." Thanks... you fucker.

I'm not criticizing the existence of alternadads. I'd rather hang out with a set of parents who bring their 2-year-old along with them to the Animal Collective show than I would hang out with a set of parents who bring me along to see Dora The Explorer live. Because I'm selfish and I'd like to see Animal Collective more than I would like to see a person inside a foam outfit freak me out for two hours. Insert Flaming Lips joke here.

I'll admit that I'd prefer to not hang around little kids at all, but sometimes they're fun. So I'm not going to get all Gawker-esque and force myself to spit up enough bile to criticize a subset of parents who somehow have found a way to enjoy their kids and their own lives at the same time. That would be like writing a bad review of a wheelchair basketball match based on the sole criticism that things never quite got vertical enough. "That's true, though." Shut up!

So, no, I have nothing intrinsically against alternadads. But I would like them to stop being alterna. Right now. Because if they don't, in 15 to 25 years, the children of alternadads are going to join the ranks of the Republicans and the repubes are going to have a strong-ass majority for a couple decades, and I don't want to glide out my remaining years in a shit hole.

Why do I think the spawn of alternadads are going to become Republicans? Because I watched a lot of Family Ties growing up. That's why.

And Alex P. Keaton, the father of all campus Republican Reagan revolutionaries, was the son of two hippies. Alex, brilliantly played by Michael J. Fox (okay, decently played by), was as Republican as characters on TV came. Okay, at least I think he was. I don't actually remember him doing anything specifically Republican other than wear a suit and I can't be bothered to look that up right now.

Either way, his meat and potato Republican views (which may or may not actually exist) were a reaction to the yogurt and granola liberalism of his parents. Because when you shove something down your child's throat, he will spit it back up, right in your face. Unless he's asleep. We won't get into how I know that.

And the Obama-supporting, indie rock-listening alternadads who refuse to keep office hours or dress up EVER, mannnn are well on track to turning their kids into suit and tie wearing investment bankers (if there are investment banks still around in 15 to 25 years, that is). Sure, a chunk of the spawn will just become liberal sheep ready to do the bidding of their alternadad's every whim. And that's fine. There is an objective right and wrong that exists and liberals tend to be closer to the objective right. Pun (or whatever) not intended.

But, look, there's always going to be a faction of dumb asses who will vote for fringe shit like total gun freedoms and school segregation, and they're not going away. They're just gonna sit back and twiddle their dicks while they away the liberal-hating spawn of alternadads, ready to vote for some shit that makes no sense because they're neck deep into their rebellious phase. And that's gonna suck. There will be a Republican majority again.

So, alternadads? Shave your beard, put on a suit and listen to Passion Pit on your iPod, not through your son's baby monitors. Then we will be cool.

Loooove Lukas Kaiser
June 17th, 2009

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